It’s been four days on my own. This isn’t the longest I have traveled solo, but it has been an experience that has given me a lot of time to think. Alone in a car for so many hours a day, the mind will wander. I started to think about leaving home, and how hard it is every time to say goodbye to the people I love. How this is the third time I have left, and it hasn’t gotten any easier. In fact, I think it has gotten harder.
The first time I left home for the other side of the world, I knew I would be home in 10 months from Australia. It was my first time traveling solo, and I remember feeling nervous, scared and excited. The excitement far outweighed the fear, as I knew I was going there for school and I had been planning this for years. I can remember being sad to leave my family and friends, but knew that this experience was about to change my life.
The second time I left home for Thailand, I was terrified. Not of what was there, but what I was leaving behind. I left a guy whom I wanted to be with, to move to Thailand to teach. I left the idea of us up in the air, with no sure way to know what would ever happen. It was scary, as I have never felt that way about another person before. I had never wanted to be with another person so badly, but I knew that I couldn’t compromise my dreams for what if. And luckily for me, he wasn’t the kind of guy to ever try to stop me. I spent four months missing him, but living my life and living in the most amazing country I have ever been to. I never thought a guy would ever travel across the world to be with me, but lo and behold, after four months without him, he flew to Thailand and we spent two months in Thailand and traveling.
For those who travel solo, and are of the solivagant type, you would understand how this changed everything. I was so used to doing things on my own, being on my own, it was then I learned what it meant to be a part of something more. It was rather lovely. It was then I realized that dreams can be rearranged to fit other people into them. I once dreamt of teaching in every continent. I had felt that would be a rather fantastic way to live life. Unfortunately I also have a dream to have my own classroom in Toronto. To do that, I need to focus on getting onto a school board there. Luckily for me, I found a person who wanted to travel just as much as I. I didn’t need to compromise my dreams, but align them with reality. I could still see every continent, and have my own classroom. It would be rather brilliant.
This time leaving home, it was much harder. I struggled with the idea of leaving everything behind to get away from the end of a relationship, and a lack of happiness. It is hard to live day in and day out, not doing the thing that you love. For me, I needed to teach. I knew that after having my heart broken, the only thing I could do to make myself happy is run away, explore and teach. I have always thought of myself as a fairly strong person. Aside from the emotional side I am unable to hide, I have always been confident in who I am and who I want to be. I have never compromised myself for someone else. But this past year has been rather difficult for me. From broken friendships, to broken relationships, I have had to pick myself up off the ground and find a way to get back to being me, and being happy. So now I am on this journey, to find my happiness again. To do what I love. To focus on myself. I do not know what the future holds, but I have learned that the only person who can make you truly happy is yourself. Sometimes it just takes hitting an emotional rock bottom to get you to figure out how to get there. Happiness is a journey, not a destination, as they say.
On so my new journey begins…